Austin J. Jenkins

A Screwball's Life for Me

If you go and ask someone on the street what’s their favorite holiday, you'll end up getting piles full of the exact same answers; Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day for the VERY hopeless romantic kind, maybe New Year’s for those who ACTUALLY believe in fulfilling new year’s resolutions, the usual likings. But if you ask Betty, the only woman known to man who’s powered on Energizer Ultimate Lithium batteries, you'll get “International Talk-like-a-Pirate Day” . That day where people get a two dollar pirate hat made out of form, say “Ahoy there”  once and then just… give up. Not really much of a holiday, but to the girl whose main hobby is being a pirate, not only is it like a national holiday to her, but she drags her friends along for the ride, no doubt including you know who.

Betty does everything she likes to do as a pirate, but usually makes it more like a giant event than a usual outing in the ocean. Drinking as much untouched rum as she can, sailing around and annoying every single isolated island she can that has at least more than one living being that inhabits it, and gathering as much plunder and gold as she can. Lotta, being more used to living out in the west than on the sea, happily takes pleasure in shooting around those who question her position as a pirate and collecting all the “loose” change that falls out of them when they run away. Jade, however, is alot more secluded when playing pirates. Her only main goal is tidying up the ship, fighting off any incoming enemy ships, digging up the multiple treasure chests that've been buried around every island across the globe, and getting her paycheck from Betty for showing up.

When Betty asked Tom to play along with her and the girls, he gets on the sailor suit he bought years ago and drags Tom Jr. along because when is he NOT dragging the teenager everywhere he goes. Despite being her boyfriend, he’s stuck with the job a sailor gets when aboard the ship; peeling potatoes because how else can Betty cut and fry them up into homemade potato chips? Also, Jr’s a monkey because monkey be funny because monkey except actual real-life monkeys and chimpanzees because they hate anything that even looks at them.