Deep In the Snowstorm

Since it’s late-January, that means that Mother Nature's in the mood for some fresh shaved ice for… some reason. I have no idea why she decides to do near the end of Winter and not during the beginning of Winter like how it should be, especially since most of the frozen water pellets decides to pour down areas like the Midwestern region in the ass-crack of November and then decide to take their sweet time to rain hard ice in areas like the northeastern region as early as late-January or as late as mid-February. Like a scared child doing everything he can NOT to study for the PSSAs because even though he KNOWS it’s coming and he’s gonna have to study for it, he just doesn't feel like it and would rather do literally anything else. The end result is the same here; completely confused.

Not helping is that when she does "accidentally” spill out her bowls of vanilla ice cream onto the floor (i.e. the EARTH), it ends up becoming a full-blown snowstorm. Complete with hectic winds, nearly sharp hail and folded layers of clear white snow blankets that reach over 2 ft in length. It becomes nearly impossible not only for us people to move around properly, but also for the many pets of mother nature to navigate for food and shelter. And when they can’t find said food and shelter, they get angry. VERY angry. Although, provoking said VERY angry animals doesn't help much. Hence, picture above.

Frozen Gold

Just because “Treasure Island" invented and started the notion that pirates bury their treasure chests on tropical islands (more specifically, during the warm summer season when Mother Nature turns the dial on her smart thermostat to exactly 74 degrees), that doesn't mean that’s the ONLY way to do it. Some do it during the slightly warm but still nippy spring season, when the most dangerous thing protecting the loot is your pollen allergies unexpectedly kicking (then again, that honestly would be WORSE than being devoured by the kraken for me considering how AWFUL my allergies are). There’s also the complete and utter nutcases who decide it’s a great idea to go out when Jack Frost is at his busiest. The ocean is nearly nothing but a hard sheet of ice, snowflakes falling from the sky quickly become snow-BALLS being chucked down like cannon balls, Hail, which is the equivalent of knives being sling-shot like children messing around with bows and arrows, and the entire island is completely coated from top to bottom with snow. 8 feet of heavy hard snow. But, you know, Lotta and Betty love treasure (more specifically, Betty) and Jade can’t say no to her two only crew members. She’s a good sport despite the consistent annoyed look on her face. So, Land Ho! Impossibly hard to navigate ice island ahoy!

And He's Out!

That Betty Jenkins sure can hit, alright. Got a mighty fine punch to her! She don’t need no Magic Punch, Spike. She, herself, is very powerful! As powerful as a fucking Megaflash!

I don't really have anything specific to say about alot of my older pieces, as for most of these, I just kinda... drew them and... yeah no, That's honestly about it.

 How Do Elves Make Love on Christmas?

Documentation on the mating specifics of Kiruolaenkringlueous sweatshoioporulus (or the Christmas Elf) has always been very spotty in the past few centuries. Some scientists claim It’s due to the lack of investigators willing to travel to the coldest pits of Hell (or in our more commonly used English slang, The North Pole). It’s already a nightmare even reaching up there, and most of the time, it’s usually in need to research the warm-blooded locals of the snow and ice. Another reason that coincides with the former point is the disinterest in the festively dressed creatures (i.e. Santa Claus, Elves, Donner bitch-ass who’s nothing but an ableist fuck, that Comet motherfucker that’s also a complete dickhead to people who have an uncontrollable disorder, etc. etc.). Most people don’t even think these morons are real, so what makes you think they’re gonna travel to the coldest place on planet Earth for something they already assure isn't real in the first place. Then again, dozens of sailors would travel out at sea thinking things like Mermaids exist, when we ALL know Sirens are what they’ve actually been seeing swimming below the surface of the ocean.

 But, perhaps the biggest reason why we haven’t gotten a concrete idea on how elves make love is because they’re one of the biggest champions of Hide-n-seek. Why else do you think The Elf on the shelf’s book sells millions on Facebook Marketplace? We have A idea on how their courting ritual might go, but it’s 100% guess-work and not solid fact until future evidence comes out. What many figure is that two elves (their sexuality is also a complete mystery so keep that also in mind) go behind Santa’s workshop during closing hours. They wait until Santa has stepped out for the awaiting Mrs. Claus. Then one of the elves sticks up a lovely fresh mistletoe above one of the walls (most of the Mistletoe plants are currently out of season, so they’re usually picked in October). Then… Well, if your parents ever told you the story about the lovely birds and the humble bees, you can easily figure out the rest. This isn’t Rule-34.

 Plague Doctor, I Presume?

Whenever people were severely sick during the dark periods of the Middle Ages, it was usually a VERY bad sign when the local plague doctor comes a-knocking at your door. Now, is Jr. sick, you may be asking? Not really. He’s pretty healthy when it comes to avoiding any kinds of diseases or viruses and is one of the few students in his high school who actually bothers to wash their hands, so he gets a gold star for doing the bare minimum. He does, however, have what some scientists have termed “Pathogenus Ludi Electronicii”. An extremely common disease that many folks tend to have, especially when cooped up indoors because the city council refuses to add more sidewalks and instead wants to add another 50 kinds of highways. What happens? It’s when you think purchasing a $600 Nokia N-gage that looks like it’s been beaten with a crowbar is a good investment and not think twice about it.

Tom and The Death Salesman

The sole keeper of souls despises many a-things when it comes to members of society (a.k.a everyone on his never-ending hit-list). Some of whom are those whose weekly schedules regularly follow the seven deadly sins, while others are those who spend more time harassing people he/she can’t stand and REALLY need to go out more and get a life. But the people he hates the most are those who mock and imitate him. You would think committing an act, to him, would be seen as a dishonor to his job (which is to solely maintain the basic foundation of life itself), but confidentiality, it’s much more personal. I mean, as we all know, picking out the correct cloak is a challenge in itself. It has to perfectly match the approved Bear paint at Home Depot paint-card, which is a slightly deep black, so it doesn't come off as grey, but not complete black so it makes him look like he’s nothing but a shadow (he has to show you his presence SOMEHOW).

Also, if you understand what the painting on their wall is, I both congratulate you for having a sharp eye and apologize for reminding you that it used to be a fairly popular children’s game.

 A Witch's Special Delivery

The season of Autumn has finally set up camp for the next couple of months, and everyone who doesn't have the 1st edition completely un-changed (for the worst) holy bible sewed on to them (though a good amount of them DO and still get exiled from most parties) is getting their supplies ready for October, And this includes witches. Spells have to be practiced, Curses have to be checked so they have an overly-complicated method in reversing it, and the cauldron they got at a flea-market decades ago need to be bluewing with potions that looks more appetizing than Campbell’s Chunky Chili Mac soup (seriously, who in the chilly dark pits of hell’s putting that in their mouth; especially when they’re sick?!).

Every kind of mixture, even from the most wicked of witches, needs SOME kind of actually fresh products for it. In comes the severely under-paid delivery boy (or in this case, the grocery boy) to save the day… and more realistically their butt from their being used as a lab rat to test the potions.

If I find someone else on earth besides me who either remembers or even knows the grocery store "Genuardi’s", I’d be a very happy camper for the day.

 Captain Buccaneer Booty Betty: The True Pirate Queen

A debatable question that’s asked across multiple historians is “Who would be considered the real pirate queen?”. A buccaneer that not only looks as dashing as one in royalty, but one who knows all ins and outs when it comes to piracy. Now, when asked, you’ll get the usual answers “Anne Bonny” and “Mary Read”, or (if the person REALLY has done last night’s homework) “Ching Shif”. But there’s one that’s always hidden away from every pre-1st edition history book. An ex-sailor who’s so infamously dangerous and reckless that she’ll scare the head right off Blackbeard. Her name’s O’l Betty Jenkins, or as it says on her Piracy license “Captain Buccaneer Booty Betty”.

Don’t let the name fool you into thinking she’s just some common tavern wench who decided to play dress-up. She got that name from just HOW she gets the aforementioned Booty. She quietly steps onto the dock of a local town or island in the middle of the night, removes some of her more visible pirate accessories so she looks the part of a local sexy woman, and (in her most attractive and sweetest voice), asks for some love. When everyone in the bar comes near, she quickly strikes and knocks out all of them (with her fists of course), plunders EVERYTHING they got, and gets away with her crew on her grand ship “The Betty Roger”. 

She’s always one who’ll do anything to get her hands into two things: treasure and rum. She’ll drink as many bottles of rum as you can think and sing away her glory plunders in a drunken manner (with the slight intoxicated hiccup here and there). When an enemy ship (or more usually a ship that just so happens to cross her path) comes near, she raises the flag now covered in red food coloring, a sign of no-return for the ones who dare to face her in person. She adores a nice battle, especially so she can rub it in the captive’s faces that she now owns their possessions. Although sometimes, she would get alittle too power-hungry for her liking, much to her crew’s dismay. So, they commit a mutiny upon her and sentence her by either hanging from the yardarm or by feeding the hungry sea creatures after she walks the plank. She swears and cries for revenge, but she also knows after a minute whose fault it is (and if she does refuse to be fair to her royal pirate brothers and sisters, she’ll never get to plunder again), so she gives in to their understandable demands.

(Why did I write an entire character synopsis for artwork of Betty when this isn't even her full-time pirate alter ego)

 A Mermaid's New Nails

You know, for someone who’s supposed to be the smartest one out of the entire cast, she sure kinda forgot that… nail polish spreads across water and doesn't stay still. That is, unless it’s completely dried, but I’m not exactly sure how long a mermaid can withstand the sun until their gills collapse. Considering that most kinds of standard nail polish take about a good hour or two to dry, I don’t think she’ll last long when the colorized coating hardens. But hey, at least her skeleton will look pretty when studied in The State Museum of Pennsylvania. Wait, are their tails like fish scales and it’s not actually their bones? Oops.

 Summertime Music

Most people don't mind alittle bit of noise while they’re done for some fun under the sun at the beach, rather it be the rushing roaring sweeps of fresh saltwater, the cheerful sounds of children (where they’ll seen playing in the water, drawing Illuminati signs and symbols across the sands, or begging their parents for that $9 Sonic popsicle from the traveling Ice cream man), or, in this case, music to ease the mind while you’re enjoying yourself. Now the question on if the selected music is actually good… yeah, I ain’t got an answer for you on that.

 As Her Father Fought, So Will She

This was another piece where I remember it taking WAY longer than it should’ve been (least to me). Though, this could be because the original painting was pretty messy and abit hard to replicate how it should be drawn to match it properly. The tricorn looked warped, the fingers were so squeezed together that it was hard to tell how she was holding the rifle and the right sleeve looked like she had two sleeve collars on her right arm, so it was difficult to tell which one was the correct one that’s on her hand. This isn’t a statement that the painting was terrible (far from it imo), but it’s one of those paintings that’s only nice to look at rather than to recreate. Not every painting is as easy to do as the Mona Lisa where there’s a million remakes of that.

Speaking of the painting, let me tell you, it was IMPOSSIBLE to find a decent scan of it. For one, it doesn't seem like it even has a name for it. You would think the caption below would be it, but when you google it, you get a bunch of Facebook “inspirational” quotes. On some websites where they try to sell homemade shirts and stickers of it, it’s listed as “Revolutionary Suffragette”... but Suffragette is the actual name for what the painting’s all about (A brave and strong woman who’s an active member of the women’s voting rights movement), so that doesn't lead you anywhere (and there were dozens of other posters advocating for the movement). When I DID find the original painting, the few scans of it looked like trash. It was slightly yellow and cropped. So, the only one that’ll have to do is an image from Alamy. Yeah, that stock image website that surprisingly isn't inflicted by the AI bug.

BTW, when researching for a scan of it, I found out the painting was originally done by the same person who did that goofy “I Want You” poster where Uncle Sam is menacingly pointing at you like you just committed a war crime and he wants a confession out of you. And considering how famous and important that poster is, that just made this just-as important painting being as hard as it was to find or even look up even more confusing.