How Do Elves Make Love on Christmas?
Documentation on the mating specifics of Kiruolaenkringlueous sweatshoioporulus (or the Christmas Elf) has always been very spotty in the past few centuries. Some scientists claim It’s due to the lack of investigators willing to travel to the coldest pits of Hell (or in our more commonly used English slang, The North Pole). It’s already a nightmare even reaching up there, and most of the time, it’s usually in need to research the warm-blooded locals of the snow and ice. Another reason that coincides with the former point is the disinterest in the festively dressed creatures (i.e. Santa Claus, Elves, Donner bitch-ass who’s nothing but an ableist fuck, that Comet motherfucker that’s also a complete dickhead to people who have an uncontrollable disorder, etc. etc.). Most people don’t even think these morons are real, so what makes you think they’re gonna travel to the coldest place on planet Earth for something they already assure isn't real in the first place. Then again, dozens of sailors would travel out at sea thinking things like Mermaids exist, when we ALL know Sirens are what they’ve actually been seeing swimming below the surface of the ocean.
But, perhaps the biggest reason why we haven’t gotten a concrete idea on how elves make love is because they’re one of the biggest champions of Hide-n-seek. Why else do you think The Elf on the shelf’s book sells millions on Facebook Marketplace? We have A idea on how their courting ritual might go, but it’s 100% guess-work and not solid fact until future evidence comes out. What many figure is that two elves (their sexuality is also a complete mystery so keep that also in mind) go behind Santa’s workshop during closing hours. They wait until Santa has stepped out for the awaiting Mrs. Claus. Then one of the elves sticks up a lovely fresh mistletoe above one of the walls (most of the Mistletoe plants are currently out of season, so they’re usually picked in October). Then… Well, if your parents ever told you the story about the lovely birds and the humble bees, you can easily figure out the rest. This isn’t Rule-34.
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