Austin J. Jenkins

Santa's Merry Little Elves

It’s the start of the holiday season, and O’l Saint Nick realized when he checked his yearly Coca-Cola calendar that he actually has to get off his fat lazy ass and get to work on all of the many toys for all the children. Not to mention, making sure all the reindeer are well fed and have all the energy needed to drag Santa’s Hungry Hungry Hippo ass along with the $3,000 sleigh all across the globe. Don’t forget about making sure all of his records are cleared so he can actually get his passport back so he can zip right through no-flight zones. Not because he wants to keep his “delivers all the presents in one night” persona, but rather, because even he knows troll booths suck (Although he has all the money in the world to easily apply for an E-ZPass, but he chooses not to). Also, you know he has to bring in his own giant pile of cookies, like if Cookie Monster was selected to be filmed in the newest episode of Hoarders, because literally nobody is gonna contribute to his never-ending levels of multiple types of Diabetes. But he ain’t just gonna go to Wal-Mart and buy some Chips Ahoy or Oreos for the road. No, he NEEDS completely fresh bakery quality cookies straight from the mixing bowl to the oven, like he’s a five-star food critic. Then again, he lives in the North Pole so he might honestly be the ONLY one there.

This giant ramble of mine about all the work that has to be done before Christmas is important because Santa doesn't do ANY OF THAT. He shoves ALL the work to the elves who get paid and are given as much respect akin to Starbucks baristas (AKA Jack shit!). And who would be there working during the holidays in brightly colored outfits and coated in loud bells than Tom and Betty, because why wouldn’t they be working there. Even on tough work hours, Betty wants Tom to help control her needs, and what better way to do so then below the nicely growing mistletoe. Tom likes to keep his strong love for Betty more private, but he still would do as much as he can to show how much he loves her back. Yet even he admits how kinda odd it is to feel romance under a plant that looks like it would make campers high out in the woods.