Baby, It's Gettin' HOT Outside!

You got to give credit where credit is due for Tom; He actually knows how anxious it is when people blast their radios with the speakers set on a highly pitched volume on a number so big, it’s not registered on an actual speedometer. On another unrelated side-vent, why the hell are regular should-be-customer-friendly cars have a speedometer limit of 140? Like, most highways have a good limit of like 60-70. I’ve never seen a single highway that allows you to drive at least 120 miles per hour. And why on god’s green earth are there ones with a 260 limit?! Who in the holy government name of God Daniel is driving their car at 260?! WHERE would or even COULD you drive at that level?!

But back on topic, Tom’s credit is not as high just like his actual credit as he decides to drag his music out into public. Not with a boombox (if anyone still owns one of those), but with a fully functioning gramophone (an HMS or His Master’s Voice product is his main preference). A mechanical brown bellbird, who can easily understand sheet music, but still doesn't have any form of installed volume control. A problem to most neighbors who have zero good taste in music, but a life-or-death situation to those who depend on the snow as if it’s their own medically insured nebulizer. It doesn't help when everyone who sees the walking record player refers to him as “The Hot-Feet Bird”. The rumors aren't ALL true. He doesn't ALWAYS hot jazz music. He’s mainly a huge two-stepper… which isn't assuring when you consider one-two or even some three-steps can be categorized by some as jazz music. Oops. 

 Checkin' It Twice

I feel like part of the reason why Santa (or more realistically, his elves) are obliged to check both the multiple-mile long Naughty and Nice lists twice is because it’s becoming more easier to simply hack their operating systems. As technology quickly advances, it’s become so easy for anyone to just alter their names in their data files and cut-and-paste it to whatever list they want, that it’s most likely been written in manuals. In fact, it’s too easy for just one. So, Amazon sells multiple kinds of bootlegged books based around the one manual. They put it together as if they’re setting up a last-minute Google Slideshow on what their names mean in Spanish for Spanish class, slaps on quickly made, poorly thought-up AI images for their front covers and then charges $15 each. Although, let’s be real here. If you’re going out of your way to hack into the north pole’s internet providers (which is way harder than hacking into your local provider, which is already a challenge in itself), you probably have a VERY GOOD reason as to why you were placed on the naughty list in the first place.

Betty('s) Crackpot Holiday Cookies

I don’t really have a giant novel narrative to this piece, but really, You don’t have to be Confucius’  barely paid underling to know how much of a hateful person you have to be to go out of your way not to just eat someone else’s cookies behind their back (which, by itself is already a dick move by default), but by individually plucking out each and every single melted chocolate chip off of each cookie, and then have the absolute nerve, the GALL, to place the recent victims of a pick-pocketing crime back on their plate and where they were last seen. So, that unfortunate person who wanted those freshly baked goods noticed that someone squeezed their slimy greasy sausages that they call fingers down each and every single one of the oven-tanned treats. The worst part is you wouldn’t be able to tell who did it, especially since running water in homes exists. So, everyone has their fingers not only licked-cleaned but washed-cleaned as well. Oh well! Time to go back to the mixing bowl! Gotta go bake some cookies with the eggs that I had to drive thru five Shoprites just to find some that aren't priced as if they’re rare Pokemon cards, because EVERYONE can afford them! 

….This really did become another randomized vent about something that’s slightly relevant to the art, didn’t it.

Santa's Merry Little Elves

It’s the start of the holiday season, and O’l Saint Nick realized when he checked his yearly Coca-Cola calendar that he actually has to get off his fat lazy ass and get to work on all of the many toys for all the children. Not to mention, making sure all the reindeer are well fed and have all the energy needed to drag Santa’s Hungry Hungry Hippo ass along with the $3,000 sleigh all across the globe. Don’t forget about making sure all of his records are cleared so he can actually get his passport back so he can zip right through no-flight zones. Not because he wants to keep his “delivers all the presents in one night” persona, but rather, because even he knows troll booths suck (Although he has all the money in the world to easily apply for an E-ZPass, but he chooses not to). Also, you know he has to bring in his own giant pile of cookies, like if Cookie Monster was selected to be filmed in the newest episode of Hoarders, because literally nobody is gonna contribute to his never-ending levels of multiple types of Diabetes. But he ain’t just gonna go to Wal-Mart and buy some Chips Ahoy or Oreos for the road. No, he NEEDS completely fresh bakery quality cookies straight from the mixing bowl to the oven, like he’s a five-star food critic. Then again, he lives in the North Pole so he might honestly be the ONLY one there.

This giant ramble of mine about all the work that has to be done before Christmas is important because Santa doesn't do ANY OF THAT. He shoves ALL the work to the elves who get paid and are given as much respect akin to Starbucks baristas (AKA Jack shit!). And who would be there working during the holidays in brightly colored outfits and coated in loud bells than Tom and Betty, because why wouldn’t they be working there. Even on tough work hours, Betty wants Tom to help control her needs, and what better way to do so then below the nicely growing mistletoe. Tom likes to keep his strong love for Betty more private, but he still would do as much as he can to show how much he loves her back. Yet even he admits how kinda odd it is to feel romance under a plant that looks like it would make campers high out in the woods.

 To Dance Around in Your Bones

October has started once again, and everyone’s celebrating for the next 30 days. From the ghosts and ghouls, to the vampires and werewolves, to even the hundreds of skeletons seeking out literally ANYTHING that’s not either dirt and grovel or the wood from their coffins. When they finally disengage from beneath the earth’s unseen soils, the REAL skeleton dance begins. Or rather “dances” because you KNOW their uncovered asses ain’t stopping at just one dance at the ballroom. They’ll keep those records spinning until the groves uncoil themselves so much that they end up becoming home-made Slinkys.

Now if you’re wondering, this piece is based on one of the layouts used on the sheet music cover for the tune “Tain’t no Sin (To Dance Around in Your Bones). Is the song good; depends on which band/orchestra is playing it. Why is the “WAckY FunNY fAce” here; God if I know. Also, I love the fact that the couple on the sheet music cover, you know, the literal dead decomposed skeletons, have bouncy hair just sticking up there like they came back from the local barber shop (something I also drew in the piece if you carefully notice). I would say there's no shame in hiding any bald spots you may have, but they're god-damn skeletons! They have NOTHING on them! They're all bald! Glueing wigs on you is only just gonna make it more noticeable.

 The Unwelcoming Cruise

Most crews aboard a cruise ship typically would try and hold their tongue when handling rowdy and uncooperative passengers, especially if said passengers are affecting the safety of others. Keep in mind, you’re not in a theme park or a hotel where you can easily be kicked out and have to drive back home. You’re stuck in the middle of the freezing dangerous waters of the ocean, with the only thing holding you in are the handlebars looped around the top deck of the vessel. If anything were to happen with your tickets when riding aboard the cruise, most of the time, you'd be asked to either pay right up or leave, typically before the cruise had left the arms of the dock.

So… how on god’s green earth did Tom and Betty get themselves stuck in a situation like this? Who really knows. Bad luck probably. The only kind of cruises where passengers would be forced to walk the plank are those Barbados-based pirate-themed cruise lines that have a surprisingly large number of good scores on Tripadvisor. But you gotta admit, the crew’s pirate outfits are a perfect 10/10… even if they’re most likely REAL cutthroat buccaneers. Betty’s kind of fancy, but not really what she wanted on a relaxing vacation with her boyfriend.

 Heatwave

As the calendar charts down through the months, we reach what may be the most mixed bag of a trio of months, least here in Pennsylvania; June, July, and August. Summertime has arrived and the best way (like the rest of the seasons) to tell is by the weather. When Mother Nature isn't messing around with her shower head and unprotected loose wires, most of the time has her setting the oven to “Bake” and just… lets the planet cook. From the crack of dawn to the darkest points when the bats and owls are at play, the temperature is still set at around 90 to 110 degrees (You’re be lucky if it’s at 75 around midnight, but that usually doesn't make a big difference). To some, it’s the time for outdoor play at its most unlimited, while for others, it’s the longest 14 hours of the day thanks to how sticky and humid it is. 

Now, when it comes to what kind of animal Tom’s combined with (the most lesser known “Lesser Roadrunner”), they usually adapt to whatever weather lends them a hand with their diet. When it’s warm outside, they wait for the bugs, rats, and baby snakes to reach out of their homes. But, when it’s freezing outside, they have to search around for loose plants and seeds to survive. I think you can tell what kind of weather they prefer. But… like, there’s a limit. If you can’t even walk around without the soles of your feet burning off, Is it REALLY worth it?!

Even though this was done in mid-2022 (back when I didn’t think to do the pencil layouts on paper before scanning and digital inking), I redid some parts to it so it could actually look… decent?

Cake Balancin' 

When it comes to baking, Betty isn't the BEST when it comes to it, but she knows what the FDA allows. She ain’t crafting food with Nyquil after all… least not for Tom. 

This is a 2025 reinking and clean-up of a much older card sketch I did for someone back in college, which is shown below for comparison.